Rape Fantasies

How do you explain a rape fantasy to someone who has been raped for real? How do you explain it to someone who hasn't?

For a long time I have dreamed of being abducted and kept in a dungeon. I would be bound and gagged, crying and bleeding when my captor came to me and had his way with me. I would have no choice but to oblige. Or maybe I am fooling around with someone when things get too heavy. I try to stop, but he or she will not have it. A hand is placed over my mouth to keep me from screaming. It restricts my breathing while I fight off my rapist, but I'm not strong enough. He or she drives into me again and again. It hurts terribly, but they keep going. Once they are spent and finished using me, I am left alone. I want to be beaten, used, punished, and humiliated potentially by multiple people at a time.

How do you explain that desire to someone who has been there? It feels like a betrayal. It feels like I'm looking at their scars, hoping they will heal or even helping them heal, but picking at the scab when they are asleep. Their scab is a reflection of me.

I've never had to deal with something like this before. I knew it was an odd fantasy, which is why I never told anyone, but I didn't think the people I told would ever have first hand experience. How can I Be jealous of something that has permanently altered another person in a very negative way?

I feel disgusting, vile, inhuman even and I can't help but to love it.